One more unassissted cycle...

...so the TTC (trying to conceive) saga continues. I was so hopeful last spring and summer, and even though I had 2 miscarriages last year, it still showed me that at least the parts were working. I actually had two cycles where I had a BFP. Since then, I feel as dry as the desert.

I started taking my basal body temperature (BBT) last June. I had no idea about my body at that time, and it's amazing how much I know now. So, I had a couple of VERY short cycles last summer - around 22-23 days, with NO positive OPK tests. I wasn't temping then, so I am not sure I ever ovulated. Since then, I am pretty sure I've ovulated, especially starting in August through December. And, my CM (I won't spell out this abbreviation...those of you who know what it means will understand, those of you who don't probably will think TMI), my CM was amazing. EW and W almost constantly from end of AF until I O'd. I felt so young again!

This month has been VERY strange. Microscopic amounts of fertile CM. Of the days I logged it on FF (fertilityfriend.com), it was scant at best. But, I had hope still. On the day most people and FF think I O'd, I had had some drinks with DH and I think it raised my temp the next day. If you take that temp out, my temps look pretty flat. It makes me think that my follicles are just not getting to the size they need to me. When your follicles are small, and underdeveloped, you don't produce enough progesterone to sustain a pregnancy. My old dr said I tested low on progesterone, which is one of the reasons I am taking it after what I believe is my ovulation date. Then, when my period started this cycle, I haven't even needed to use a tampon...only a minipad, which is really meant for only spotting. Almost like my uterus wasn't even fertile enough to sustain itself, let alone a baby. And, strangely enough, my hormones were crazy (by judging from my crying at the littlest of things) last Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Now, I have NO emotional hormone symptoms - I actually feel like I'm about to O now...hopeful and happy.

Well, DH and I were going to start clomid this month, but I'll be in Oregon for 4 days at EXACTLY the time I expect to ovulate this cycle. We decided that instead of starting and having NO hope of conceiving this month with clomid, we'd wait one more cycle and start then. As you may have read from my previous post, we were told that we should take clomid in consecutive months, and then only for six months max. We didn't want to "waste" one month when we knew I would be gone and have NO chance to conceive during my fertile window.

So, now we wait...patiently...for the little bean that I want so badly. Some days I think the day will never come, some days I feel so confident and sure it will. For now, I have to trust in God and take each day as a blessing. For life is a fragile thing - if we don't take advantage of it now, it may be gone before we know it.